bullets

revisited

2010-04-11T23:05:00.000+08:00

          its been a while since i posted anything here. looking back at all the posts here, all the hatred, all the green envy, all the red anger, all the sadness... all the emotion combined forming a blog. to be honest, i don't really know why and how did this blog came about. blogging has never been my kind of thing. i'm not photogenic, i don't write essays and i certainly don't have the habit of sharing every single little thing in my life publicly. evidently enough, this blog is not about my everyday life, it doesn't say what i do everyday. this blog is solely for me to rant about my life, my friends, my family, the people around me, her... and many others. it started off last year when i really couldn't take it anymore. that night i was so angry, sad and disappointed that i can't sleep after god knows how many cans of beer. so messing around on the internet, with no one online on my messenger except for the three groups and another public group, i somehow ended up on the blogger website. i decided to mess with it a little and voila! this blog is born.

         being a blog, the first post should be a little bit about myself, who am i and why am i here. so i started typing. i introduced myself, and a little bit about my life. and as i continued writing, more and more of my emotions started to come into play. anger, sadness, vengeance, everything that was lock in my heart screaming for their release was freed into my first post here. then, after sometime, i got a little calmer and gradually ended my post. i felt much more relieved and at ease by then. and i actually felt tired and sleepy enough to sleep. so i put the link to my blog on my personal message of my messenger, turned off the computer and went to bed around 5.20 a.m.

          i woke up the next morning, gussied up, and turned on the computer and signed in to messenger. nothing out of the ordinary, i do them routinely everyday. at that time of the month last year, i had a very very huge premenstrual syndrome. it begin in the middle of the long awaited year end school holiday and ended on new year's eve lasting around 26 days. i can't really remember what was it that really triggered the syndrome now but it was all water under the bridge now. looking back to that time, i felt that i was being very stubborn and selfish. but that was not the whole story. over the year, i learned that the world is full of despicable individuals and crafty tricks. i learned to be very cautious and not to trust the people around me and that included my friends...especially my friends. i don't know why. it was like someone or something has poisoned my mind into thinking that everyone around me is stabbing me in my back. i always get the feeling that i was always walking blindly into a trap. i never felt at ease and i was always worried about things that i never needed to worry about before. i stopped smiling, i stopped laughing. i stopped communicating. i escaped reality and build a wall around me. and believe it or not, i actually completed the wall, with every last brick. i felt so weak and defenseless. i stopped hanging out with friends, i stopped talking to them and on top of all, i hated them. this lasted for more than 20 days. for 20 days i suffered in eternal darkness. my soul felt so empty. its like the devil has taken everything away from me. i don't have anything. everyday in that span of time i felt lifeless. my five senses interpreted a dead world around me. i was truly in despair.

          i didn't know what to do. i kept on asking my parents and friends to leave me alone as i no longer trust them. i stared endlessly at the computer screen from day to night nothing little or nothing about what am i seeing. i drink at least 3 cans of beer every night. and one day, i decided that i had enough. i mustered all the strength i have to tear down the wall around me. i believe at that time new year's eve was just a few days away. i took the courage to chat with my friends. though i was not entirely comfortable with the idea just yet, i continued doing so. and i actually felt okay. i felt that there is still life somewhere inside me. and i realized that i cannot live with my current state of mind for the rest of my life. so i made a drastic change. and it took me that few days to actually go to my friend's new year's eve party.

   it was the best new year's eve party ever. i drank until i was really drunk in front of my friends. i don't usually drink that much but i wasn't thinking on that night i didn't care either. one thing i know is that there is beer and beer only goes into my belly through my mouth. that's the only way beer travels. and i actually laughed and had a great time there. of course i was drunk and i was only semi conscious in the back of my friend's car. i was feeling dizzy and i reached home around 2 in the morning. and then it was new year. everything around me remained the same except myself. i felt that life has once again come back to me. i resumed trusting my friends. i begin to joke and laugh again. everything in the world is slowly beginning to start making sense. and with new hope, i went back to college.

so what is this post for then? well, if you must know things in college is not boding well. college environment is a very stressful environment. all in all, it is a living hell. but i am thankful to have friends to help me make it through. its not much but its better than nothing. things have gone from good to bad. i improved a lot from test 3 to test 4 but i failed in my trials. though it is not official yet, but i am very certain that i have lost my scholarship. and being the only one that lost the scholarship in my class, i am again in despair which brings me here. but this time around things are different. i am more mature and my friends did actually help me overcome my sadness. i thank them. i really do. the lost of my scholarship is a very big blow to my groins. and i truly thanked them for being there for me. it really helped in easing the pain away. but i am disappointed in myself. i regretted not studying hard enough. i have fallen behind in the class. and it is now almost impossible to catch up. but heck, i am not giving up. there is still hope. though i have vow this a million times, i stand here vowing it again. i will study hard and pass with flying colours in the real deal. and that's a promise. i believe that i can do it. now to get a drink and make some good use of the little time i have left.

friends

2010-02-17T23:25:00.000+08:00

          how do you define friends? the ones that is by your side through thick and thin? the ones that help you in times of trouble? maybe its just me but as the days past with me getting older day by day, i felt that i have lesser and lesser friends. the shift from secondary school to college is truly a big one for me. i do not know how are my friends coping with it or are they even coping with it but i find it very hard to cope with. this great shift has somehow changed me into a different person. the positive ones would say that i'm independent while the negative ones, which make up the majority, says that i'm selfish.

          i admit. i am selfish. i also tried to be independent and failed. its funny how being alone successfully is said to be independent while being alone unsuccessfully is said to be selfish. such irony. i truly do not know how did this change come about. it is so hard for me to trust people. i can't even trust my friends whom i had known for more than five years. how can i trust my friends that i only known for less than a year? it doesn't make sense at all. i was never the star among my friends. but this time i really felt left out by them. maybe i did not share enough. maybe its only my thought but something tells me thats not it. i don't know. i really don't. i tried ignoring the situation but it gets worse. what else am i suppose to do? maybe i'm too busy trying to measure up but i don't think that deserve such a treatment.

          this was me during last year. last year was a terrible year. nobody cared. nobody gave a fuck. nobody even gave a damn. i was all on my own. my friends said that it was me who chose to be alone. really? because i was pretty sure that i was the one who talked the most. how is that counted as choosing to be alone? ok fine. after that i did kept quiet. for a long long time. because at that moment i just don't see the point of talking anymore. i just quietly sat down and stared at the monitor. as expected, nobody noticed my disappearance and the world continued to spin. i regretted my anger after that. i have no reason to be angry and i am truly sorry. that was my fault.but other than that, i have no comment. so that's it. i just pretend that everything's fine. it was like i didn't even know them at the first place. i stopped hanging out with them. i stopped going to parties. what's the point? the only things that i do at parties is eat and drink. hardly anybody will come to me and strike up a conversation. so why bother? i stayed at home. alone. just how i should be. alone.

          this cold war persists up till now. it is now year 2010. two years have passed. two remarkable years turned joy to sorrow. turned smiles into frowns. turned happiness into sadness. this year is different from 2009. i got closer to my college friends. i drifted far far away from my high school friends. i stopped sharing with them. we still went out but most of the time, it is just awkward and i have also got used to this situation. i now have the ability to remain silent around my friends. though i rarely use this since it is very impolite. so yeah. the situation is somewhat balance now. but it is definitely not the balance i wanted. i really do not understand why this has to happen. though i now have nothing against it but i really want it to change back to the way it used to be. i wanna be with my friends again. i make friends in kindergarten and lose them in primary school. i make new friends in primary school and lose them in secondary school. i make new friends in secondary school and lose them in college. what next? i make friends in college and lose them when i go to another college? is this the only way out? this sucks. what's the meaning of this cycle? what the point of making friends if they don't last?

          so i am to accept that friends are temporary and this is just how the world works? then this world truly sucks.

perfection

2010-01-16T22:03:00.000+08:00

         perfection is defined as a best favourable state of completeness without any faults or weaknesses. conditions needed to satisfy perfection varies with the individual seeking it for everybody has their own meanings for perfection. perfection can also be expressed in many many ways. some seek perfection in themselves. others may sought after the perfect life. some look for the perfect one. regardless of the form of perfection, perfection is almost impossible to be found. very rarely do you find perfection naturally occurring in this world for the fact that remains that the world is not perfect. at some point of life when we still don't find perfection, we call it a sour grape. some give up and accept the fact that there is no such thing as perfection. some change their definitions and parameters and continue searching endlessly. but some who are strong face the world at stare it in the eyes and says "fuck finding perfection. i'm making my own perfection!"

          if you think finding perfection is difficult and near impossible, then believe me when i say that making perfection is even harder still. why? we are trying to find something that doesn't even exist in this world and yet we are trying to make it from scratch. mankind struggled to make it and many have failed but there are people who have enough courage, effort and faith and made it.these people are truly remarkable and deserves to be honoured for the quest of making perfection is not an easy one. many external factors can and will interfere with the task at hand and at some point it irks you so much that you just explode and stray away from the path taken. when you chose the route of making perfection, the universe will put you to the test to judge your worthiness of perfection. you will be tested from every possible way and a lot of endurance is needed to survive it. it is indeed a feat to survive this test and the reward is indeed worth it.

          though some would say that they don't seek perfection in their life but i believe that on a sub conscious state of mind, everybody wants perfection. it is just a matter of desire to bring it to the conscious level. i do seek perfection. i don't think there's anybody who really don't. yes, i admit that perfection might make things a little boring and not challenging. see, when perfection is in hands, then life will be a smooth sail forward. though it seems enjoyable at first but we also get the excitement from sailing a rough sea. even if there's someone to share the perfection with, the world will never approve of perfection and things will never be the same. that is why some rather see things that are imperfect perfectly. that way, the perfection will only be an imaginary image in our mind and the world cannot fault us for doing that.

          the quest of seeking perfection can also be a selfish one. it is rather hard to find people who share the same definitions of perfection and most of the time our definitions oppose theirs. this results in negative effects and it can turn into a pretty nasty picture. people can get very ruthless and violent in this quest and this is hurting to other parties. this is one of the biggest test in seeking perfection. it is so subjective that the method of passing it is out of the ordinary and unusual at times. some say that the test can be passed with a pure intention and a good heart where both can not be fakes. there is almost no right or wrong methods to pass it and the mechanism is not totally known and is still very much a mystery to us.

          personally, i would say that i have tasted perfection before. it tasted good at first but after a few times its not that good really. that was a long long time ago and perfection is long gone from my life. i am still in the quest to find it up till now. the determination to find it was strong at first but it is getting weaker and weaker from day to day. now, i don't know whether if i still want it. the selfish side of the quest is taking advantage of me and i feel bad every time i'm on this quest. maybe i should also learn to see imperfect things perfectly which is even harder then the quest to make it or find it. what's my definition of perfection? it's pretty simple actually. at home, my perfection is defined as the time i have to do my own things without any disturbance. no questions policy is applied and sharing is not required unless requested. quite a selfish perfection if i do say so myself but hey, it is very pleasing indeed to have it. outside, i would define my perfection as letting go of everything and hold any other matters not related to my mood. again, an almost impossible one to find or made.

          after all these years, i also found that i do not have to be in this quest for the rest of my life. there is really no limit to making perfection possible and it can be put on hold and be resumed later. there are many other things worth having besides perfection. in fact, some of them make perfection looks worthless and they are easier to possess. sometimes letting go of perfection is the ultimate perfection achievable in life. the empty void left can then be filled with little things which are not even near to perfect and perfection can be made when all of them are combined together. it is really not that big of a surprise. after all, perfection is made of imperfection. maybe the things that are imperfect and yet worth it makes up for the perfection everyone seeks.

happy new year (fucking hangover)

2010-01-01T12:04:00.000+08:00

          the unforgiving time passes by cruelly. by never waiting for anyone 365 days have passed. a year. this year has been a very rough year. a level is not an easy course. it is a very rough and difficult course. we have to learn to do things quickly and correctly. we need to have extensive knowledge and be creative and innovative enough to apply them to the problems thrown at us. though i have only spent half of this year on the course and another half of it a holiday but half of a year is a great length of time and suffering for me. time never seem to be on your side for i have lots and lots more planned but never done in this year. i really can't imagine what will happen next year. if this year is bad then next year will definitely be worse. next year is the year of my examination and i am very unprepared to face it. its gonna be a very tough year.

          what was i doing in year 2009? i felt like i wasted my time more than using it. 2009 was a big waste of time. i tried to study and failed. tried to improve and failed. tried to do things and failed. 2009 is a big letdown. its not a nice year to be in. 2009 changed me completely to a point that i don't know who i am anymore. i really don't. but i know i'm different. my evil conscious is constantly trying to get the upper hand overruling my good sub conscious and often it succeeded. what happened to the good conscious? that conscious misbehaved lately and is never committed anymore. i do hope to find it back and kick the evil conscious out of the office. but until then, i'm sorry. yes. if there's one word i would like to say to everyone in 2009, the word is 'sorry'. i not only say it. i really mean it too. i'm sorry, i really am.

          another phrase that i would like to say is thank you. i would like to thank everyone that has been with me in 2009. my family and my friends. i am truly grateful to all of them. though sometimes i feel like they have been there but the truth is, they have always been there. its just that i haven't been there. sorry and thank you. i had a really great time last night. i drank lots and lots of beer to put my evil conscious to sleep and let my good sub conscious be the boss for the last day of the year. and it was fun especially with good friends around. though my memories of last night is a little hazy, but i can be sure that everybody is having fun and i am having fun too. i did not regret having gone to that party. i also thank my sub conscious for changing my mind at the last minute. you see, i did not intend to go at first. my evil conscious pop up the usual excuse and hence preventing me from going. but at 2.30 a.m on 31 december 2009, my good sub conscious' struggle paid off and overtook for a few minutes. it succeeded in changing my mind. though i have second doubts after the decision was made but my mind was set. it did not change for another time. my sub conscious did a very good job in changing my mind permanently.

          the party was fun and unexpected. we talked, we ate and we drank. i really really did not expect to have beer there. but we have. and it was nice. it was a night where i got a glimpse of my good conscious. after i got drunk i felt its presence among me. i was sort of thankful that i got drunk. i don't really remember what i did after i got drunk. i remember that we played games and the loser drinks. then we count down and took photos. then i was in the house for a while and i went home in my friend's car around 1 or 2. i don't know exactly what happened in between. i don't even know if it really happened. i seem to recall myself saying that i was drunk and my friends telling me that i was not drunk and i look very active. weird. i thank my friend for taking me to and fro.

          time pass by over and over again until it arrived at year 2010. to be honest, 2010 scares the crap out of me. i did not expect 2009 to go so soon. it's almost like 2010 pushed 2009 away instead of letting it go by itself. i woke up at 10 today, showered and take a look around me. physically nothing changed, yet. but i bet there are going to be changes around. 2010 feels like its going to be a very very long year. it feels strange too. but we all have to go through it by hook or by crook. 2010 also made the gap between me and my friends wider. from now on, its gonna be harder to see them. we all have our own ways. though we all want to but life is somehow always in the way. i bid them farewell and wish they have a good year.

(no subject)

2009-12-27T00:03:00.000+08:00

i can't take this anymore! look at this! this sucks. i am pathetic! who am i now? who are you? do i really know you? i don't know you anymore. this year is bullshit. i lost more than i gain. this is the worst year ever! god (if that fucking so called big guy even exists) i hate this fucking world. what the hell is wrong with this world? ya sure it has lots of friends but i bet it will make more enemies than friends! the world sucks like everything in it. i don't know anymore. the world has change so much for me from 2008 to 2009. i don't know it anymore. i don't know anything anymore. and i give up. i give up trying to make it suit my way. fucking unbelievable. how the hell did i transform from the past me into me now? though the past me may have sucked but the me now is shit. this year is full of shit. i laugh and smile the least this year. this is a fucking depressing year. and i bet next year is going to be worse. i can't even imagine what's going to happen next year. this christmas i've already lost few of my best friends so next year maybe i get to lose all my friends. great. fucking great. just so damn fucking great. the world wants to make me miserable and this year the world has proven that it can and it looks like its enjoying it. i bet there's more up it's sleeves for next year. damn this sucks balls in hell.

drunk

2009-12-21T17:46:00.000+08:00

          being drunk after bottles of beer or few shots is probably one of the greatest feeling to have. when you're drunk, its hard and almost impossible to hold back the little devil in your head while the angel is sleeping. and if the angel is still speaking, then you are not yet drunk and you should drink more to make it drunk. that is really the whole point of getting drunk. to let the devil do the thinking instead of the angel. sure, some of the things that the devil come up with are maybe bad and sometimes inappropriate but you can be sure to have lots of fun when the devil's at work and it is certainly more fun when the devil is working while the angel is drunk. and the best part is, after all the fun you have, you can go to bed and tomorrow the angel will work again while the devil have his hangover.

          come to think of it, i haven't been drunk for quite some time. not that i don't drink but i don't drink enough to make me drunk. and sometimes, i don't really want to be drunk. i like being drunk but what i really don't like is the hangover that i have in the morning. i hate hangovers. they give you this bad headache and sometimes as bad as a migraine while the sun shines at your eyes. and it seems like the less you drink that night, the more hangover you get in the morning. somebody once told me, to avoid hangover, just stay drunk. yea, so i did and stayed drunk for more than 20 hours and i still have a hangover. yes, to avoid hangover, stay drunk but to really avoid hangover, don't wake up. but still, i guess hangover can be reduced by thinking of the crazy things that you did while you're drunk.

          the best people to get drunk with is definitely your friends and not your bf or gf or your fiance or fiancee or husband or wife. while ok, i might not know but still i feel that getting drunk with friends will beat getting drunk with him or her unless you have different purpose. company while you're drunk is always a small party of your best best friends. being drunk with your best best friends will definitely be awesome. given the right conditions, friendship can even be enhanced. though sometimes you might say something you shouldn't but that something is always true and as long as acceptance is shown then it will be good. you gotta admit the devil makes more friends than the angel does. the devil do while the angel thinks then do which is why the do part often never happens. and when thinking becomes inevitable, the devil's head can handle it. if you're with best friends, what's there to think when you're drunk? let the devil be in charge and he will do do do.

          now of course doing without thinking can bring harm to others who are not drunk, even to best best friends. that is one of the risk that has to be taken. which is why things done while drunk should never be taken too seriously. though the devil do do and do but you can't guarantee all the doings are good, its the devil we're talking about here. but sometimes those are really part of the fun. to cross the fine line between acceptable and not acceptable. the angel will never ever cross this line. not while he is still sane. he does too much thinking and he never had the guts to cross it while he's sane. the devil on the other hand can do everything from imaginable to unimaginable. so when you're drunk and the devil's at work, that fine line doesn't exist. and besides the line shouldn't be very visible at all if you're best best friends.

          ok now here's the sad part, i'm 18 and sadly turning 19 and had never been drunk in front of my best best friends, not even my friends. i just suddenly felt the urge to do just that, to drink and to be drunk. i wonder how it would it be like. with everybody sub conscious around a table in a group, what can we possibly do? i really want to find out.

worry

2009-12-17T11:07:00.000+08:00

          today is just another thursday in december 2009. for some reason today is the day i got worried all of a sudden. i had nightmare the night before. it was about college. i dreamt that i didn't make it through AS and i got lecturer giving me a long long lecture. it made me cut my sleep short and i woke up at 7.30. then instead of getting out of bed like i used to do, i felt unable to do so and stay laid down on the bed. i find myself in deep thought thinking of many things. the dream that i had just before i woke up was still very clear in my head. i kept wondering how are my friends doing now. what are they doing? are they studying or wasting their time like me? i know for a fact that my class is a very competitive one and i am not doing very well. everyday i keep pushing myself harder and harder to study more but it is just not enough to be in the same league as my friends. and today all my worries are let loose and i stay down on my bed for about half an hour thinking. my worries were amplified when i looked at the calendar. today is already 17th of december 2009 and i started doing the math in my head. i have exactly 2 days before this week ends, 7 days before christmas comes, 14 days before this year ends and 17 days before i go back to college.

          i figured i need to finish my AS syllabus before the end of the year. i plan to finish revising my biology which is around three quarter covered and start chemistry and physics the next week. finishing biology by this saturday sounds so impossible. i can only imagine how much i need to revise for chemistry and physics. sometimes i wonder why am i crazily pushing myself like this. why did i even chose to do a-level? it was definitely not an easy path but it wouldn't be so too for other paths. i don't even know what to do after this. i always felt that the grass is greener on the other side. everything else is great except me. i really don't know how to drag my feet to college next year. next year really looks like a nightmare to me. i need to cover the A2 syllabus, revise my AS syllabus and above all get ready for my AS examination. i kept picturing the examination in my head. i kept thinking of the papers especially paper 3, the practical paper. how am i suppose to pass through that? and the A2 syllabus is no joke either. AS seems so insignificant when compared to A2 and we have a shorter time to study for A2.

          i kept thinking and thinking and the more i think of it the more i worry about it. so i forced myself to jump out of my bed and got up. i don't know why i'm doing this, i don't know what its for but heck that doesn't really matter now. the biology text book and notes and my holiday homework has been on my table for the past two weeks and by hook or by crook, i will get it off my table by this saturday. then next week i would get new books for my physics and chemistry and replace that with my biology text books and notes and holiday homework. i might fail doing so but i must try. this has to end and it will end. i have exactly two days. 48 hours. i will do it. this post is cut short because i got a sudden burst of energy. it was to be a long essay like usual but my priorities suddenly changed. i should go have my breakfast and start on the process of getting rid of the biology stuff on my table now. yes, now.

two's company, three's a crowd

2009-12-16T06:31:00.000+08:00

          this is one very well known and widely used english proverb. specifically it refers to a party made up of two as company and a party made up of more than two person, usually three is the case, a crowd. this often applies among couples or best friends as they say good things always come in pairs. this statement can also be taken to a more general scope. ignoring the quantitative aspect of this proverb, it can also be used to refer to a small group of friends as company and a large group of acquaintance as a crowd. with that said, it also automatically implies that a smaller group of close friends is better than a large group of friends. do you prefer having less close friends or more not so close friends? does the small number of friends make you feel insecure? how often do you measure your friends qualitatively instead of quantitatively or vice versa?

          i have to admit that i do not have a large group of friends. it takes a long long time for me to make real friends. it takes years for me to share everything with a friend. its never easy to make friends for me. don't believe me? just look at my msn, facebook or friendster. you can have a three digit number of friends while the most i can go is two digit. most of them are friends from high school. out of the considerably large crowd, only few of them are true friends. friends that i can trust, friends that i can talk to and friends that i can share my feelings with. we been in the same high school for five years. it took five years for me to truly open up to them. same goes to my primary days. it took six years to know them. though i lost contact with them, i can still remember all of the students and teachers that teach the first and second class. some of them went to the same high school with me, some went to other states and sadly some i really don't know where they are now.

          honestly, i made my best friends during my primary days. during the old days, when we were all still very innocent and naive, it seems easier to make friends. we were so kind and truthful to each other and we never really argued. and there seem like nothing is seperated between us. i came from a primary school with ninety nine percent of its students and teachers all malays. in fact, there were not more than twenty non malay and hence non muslim students. there was only one two non malay teachers in my primary school. one is a chinese which is the head of students' affair department, and one is an indian which is an english teacher. there was no, yes, no real moral classes for us. back then, my school was poor. there were no classrooms for less than twenty moral students. we had our moral class at the school canteen. our teacher is the principal herself and then changed to the indian english teacher and then changed back to the principal. being the principal and all, she seldom have the time to attend to us. therefore, we often play around during our 'moral' class or we would join our malay friends in their 'pendidikan islam' lesson.

          though we looked like social outcasts in the school, but i never really felt any racial barrier between us. i was so well mixed with the malays that no one can tell i'm a chinese if my skin tone was darker. i know every single prayer the malays in my school say back then. we prayed before an assembly, after an assembly, before and after having a meal and before and after a class begins. and i know every single one of them by heart. i also know what they meant too since we would cite them first in arabic then in malay which i am able to understand. i also knew every single 'nasyid' and would sing with my friends almost every day. i wear the songkok and kopiah every chance i have and i speak very fluent malay back then. heck, i even fell in love with malay girls, twice in fact. i never felt chinese when i'm with them. it doesn't really matter and my friends never really cared about my race. i would help them in english and they would help me with malay. and we would do our maths together.

          then it was over. after an incredible and amazing year of primary six, we sadly part our ways. most of them went to islamic based school, some went to other states, and some goes to the same high school with me though we are not in the same class. things are completely different in high school which took me a while to get use to. my high school consists of an almost balance mix of races. there seem to be an almost equal number of chinese, malay and indian students and it is hard to say which one has more. there were really clear racial barriers between students. chinese flock with the chinese, malays go with the malays and the indians keep to themselves. this was not the case when i was in my primary school. well, maybe we have an imbalance mix of race and hence a thin barrier but the racial barriers in my high school was there.

          on the first day in my secondary school, i kept to friends that i knew of. some of us were not in the same class but there are a few who made it to the same class as me and all of them are malays. the system in high school is completely different from my primary school. here, moral classes exists and there are teachers assigned to it. we were forced to change classes during moral and pendidikan islam. but that is still not enough to keep me from hanging out with the malay friends that i have. then the sad part comes in. most of them shifted to an islamic based school. day after day, one by one until eventually every friend that i had from my primary days went over to the islamic school. and that's it. i have no more friends left. i had to make new ones and since the trend is to keep with the students who have the same skin tone with you, i went to the chinese group. that was the first time i spoke mandarin and cantonese and put aside my malay roots. we start to get along and i drift further and further away from my malay side until eventually i became a chinese banana.

          time really does flies. in a blink of an eye, five years passed in high school. the five years fully transformed me from a malay/chinese to a semi chinese/chinese. my malay rotted while my mandarin and cantonese improved drastically. i started to listen to mandarin and cantonese songs, learned chinese profanities and above all made chinese friends. sure, my mandarin and cantonese might not be that good and of course i can't read or pronounce some of the characters accurately but hey, you gotta admit, it really is something for a guy who spoke six years of malay and english to pick up chinese like that. though it seems like the only different thing between chinese and malay is in term of language but there is more than that. not to be bias or prejudiced but there is a slight difference between chinese and malay people. our way of speaking and putting things are different. our jokes are definitely different. i find that malay and indian people are more flamboyant than chinese people. if i were to translate some stuff from malay to chinese, it might end up sounding offensive. thus, a change of style is needed when different language is used to converse.

be yourself

2009-12-10T14:46:00.000+08:00

          i find this statement very hard to comply to. look at the world, and the things around us. there are so many people in our lives. parents, friends and teachers. some of them are your allies and some of them are your sworn enemies. can you really be yourself in front of everyone? if there is one, the moment you can really be yourself is when you are alone. when nobody's watching. when you are free from the public's eye. look at us. we are humans. we have emotions. and emotions are very unstable substances that we have in our body. it is constantly affected by the people around us. no matter how much we try to counter the effect, some of them still manage to slip by. let's say you are a person who has the best pick up lines, the best social appearance and you are the best ice breaker to have around in any party. can you really bring about to smile the whole day through when you just had a car accident, a grief family loss and a terminal illness? emotions change ourselves and therefore ourselves can change from time to time. it is what differentiates us from humans and robots. emotions are the things that a robot lack.

          so far, there is no way a person's emotions can be fully mimicked and imitated by a single computer chip. not yet. emotions are so complex that is cannot be comprehended completely yet by robots, let alone humans. as much as we want to, we can't really feel the exact feelings the other person is feeling. though we might share similar emotions such as happiness and sadness, there is no way you can feel it as much or as little as i do for i experienced it while you only shared your empathy with me. its not to say that your concern does not matter. but you can never understand my feelings as much as i do. even though we might not be able to be ourselves, nevertheless, we know ourselves more than anybody else. emotions give us our identity. without emotions, there is no such thing as 'yourself'. it is your emotions that makes you 'yourself'.

          different people treat this 'yourself' in different ways. some hide it safe from the public's eye. some put a lot of effort to hide it, but this also makes the public suspicious and the true 'self' is usually found out. some never liked this 'self' and try to change it as much as possible. some treat their self positively. they show 'themselves' to the public world. they are not afraid of it. they live with it. though sometimes they might not be showing their true self, but still, they are still not hiding it from the public, despite knowing that it is a fake 'self'.

          if there really must be solid line drawn between these two sides, then i would stand on the side which does not show their true 'self' or their fake 'self'. i would follow the self of the public. for i am to humble to be compared to the public, i believe that the public should have a fair share of votes on which 'self' to show at a given time. this might not seem like a positive outtake on the matter at hand but i would like to believe that it is. i believe it is best to evolve with the public. the public is the one in power no matter what. they can be your allies or your enemy. and there really is no right or wrong in the things going on in the public. whatever that is right to you and wrong to me is just because i oppose it. that's it. no other personal reason.

         let's say you are in a room of one thousand people including yourself. if you're sad and the other nine hundred and ninety nine people are happy, would they really feel for you? chances are no unless you are an important figure to the public. but still, given the odds of the majority, the more likely outcome would still be no. that's the power of the public. it is an overlooked powerful force. if there is something or someone that can indefinitely control the power of the public and bend it to their own wish and desire, then that someone or something would be invincible. the public always have the say and always get the last laugh no matter what. and the best option goes with the saying, 'if you can't beat them, join them.'

          that's the only optimal way of taking things in my opinion. so far, there is no one that can control the public indefinitely by any means yet. the only way is to join them however much we dislike it. though sometimes we might not accept the public and we think that we are better than them, but there really isn't much that we can do. you can spend your whole life raving and ranting about things that you don't like but the public won't budge if it's not important or if you're the only one. though sometimes it is indeed a bitter pill to swallow, but it's the only pill to swallow. that's why some say that the world isn't fair. yes. it really is not fair. its not fair because there is an imbalance in the public. though we share the same world, but we don't all get the same cut of slack. but that's the way it is and unless you have a brilliant idea to change things, the only thing we can do is be patient and join them for the mean time.

          and if the public doesn't like 'yourself' then you gotta change it just because the public think so. and that's because the public is always more superior than you are and therefore it is always right. though you might be right at times, but it is always the public's thoughts that count and when the public thinks that your 'right' is 'wrong', it is wrong. so to have the optimal benefit both to myself and the public, i choose to change myself in favour of the public's eye, despite of my opinion. it might sound like a sad thing but hey, what can i say? i don't have the authority to do anything. i don't have the power to overcome it. this might sound like giving up and well, somehow it is. it really is rather like giving up. if there's ever one 'self' that the public would always approve of, then it would be your submissive side. for your surrender is always beneficial to the public.

fear

2009-12-06T00:33:00.000+08:00

          unlike many other feelings and emotion, fear is a rather mysterious one though not as mysterious as love. there are still much to be discovered on this feeling of fear. fear is such a general feeling that it has hundreds of specific names assign to different kinds of fear. for instance, claustrophobia is a fear of confined space, hemophobia is a fear of blood and hydrophobia is a fear of water. you probably have heard of and know about the examples listed above. these are just a few of the hundreds available. and while the ones that i listed are simple and can be logically understandable, there are a lot of other phobia that are odd and weird. for example, rhypophobia is a fear of defecation, somniphobia is a fear of sleep and sophophobia is a fear of learning. many of these fears are still not fully understandable yet and there are many more new kinds of fears emerging indirectly building an endless list of fears.

          fear is also a very unnatural feeling to have. people are not born with fear. fear is induced into us by something or someone. and once it is in us, it is very difficult to get it out of our system. fear can consume a person's soul and leave a permanent hole in it. fear is indeed a powerful feeling as it sets barriers and boundaries which we will never dare to break. fear puts a control over you and fear can be amplified almost indefinitely. and when fear is amplified, things can get very ugly. in worst case scenarios, fear can cause paralysis and scientists have suggested that it is possible for fear to cause death.

          though fear sounds like the strongest emotion that one can have, nevertheless, it is possible to overcome fear. often fear is described as a trick to the mind. fear usually results from your mind 'panicking' and hence unable to think. but once you saw the the trick behind the trick being played, fear is overcome. for example, one might fear water probably because they experienced drowning before. but if they were thrown into the pool and survived, then the fear is overcome. it may sound simple, but overcoming fear needs a massive effort and determination. it also depends on how much control you have over your mind.

          like any other people, i, too felt fear before in my life. i know the feeling. but now, i don't know it anymore. i did not overcome the fear, but the fear evolved into something that is alien to me. i used to have a fear of loneliness. i never liked to be lonely. but now, i don't know anymore. i really don't. you can say that i sort of overcome it but sometimes i still don't quite like being lonely. other times, i find it comfortable to be alone. in fact, i even came to a point where i think it is indeed right to be alone.

          not only did my fear strangely evolved into something else, i also developed another strange feeling that is similar to fear. i used to trust and believe in people. i believed that negative things are at minimal in this world. ok, fine, some of you say that i'm naive and i don't deny that. i was a little naive back then. but now, i don't know what to think of the world anymore. whenever people talk to me and tell me something, i don't know whether to believe it or not. there's even one point that i treat everything that was told to me in a tone which i find sarcastic a lie. it's that hard for me to trust people now. even my friends. no matter what their expression on their face are when they're talking to me, a smile, a grin or a frown, i always think twice before accepting what you are saying. its almost like i treat every single thing that you throw at me as a lie first. my lack of faith leads to this but i don't know why i lack faith. i really don't know. my hunch is always telling me that i shouln't believe you that much.

          some people are going to hate me for writing the above paragraph but i can't help it. it really is true. i'm sorry. i have lost too much to risk another mistake. i have had it. enough is enough. i can't summon my pity in this case anymore. its a decision too expensive to make. it has come to a point where you either take it or leave it. other than that, i don't know. blame me for not having a mind that is good enough to process an explaination or whatever. i just don't know.

(no subject)

2009-12-03T23:28:00.000+08:00

           ok, i don't have any mood in writing an essay tonight. so i thought i should i try something else. looking at other blogs, i notice that most of them wrote about their life, and frustrations and what the modern world call 'emo'. so i thought, alright, i shall write an 'emo' post too. and here it goes:

          almost every time, i feel that my opinion will be the one that is rejected. in the long line of my friends, i am always the one who gets the disapproval. whenever there's a problem or worse a crisis, just get rid of me and problem solved. life goes on. pretend like nothing happened and everything would be fine. which is why i'm tired and sometimes the tiredness even turns to frustrations. whenever there's something out of the ordinary happening, everyone would go all over it and letting out their thoughts. as for me, well, i take things step by step and slowly. so, most of the time i would sit back, calm down and first make an educated observation while you guys fondled around it. it would be very hard to see big picture with you guys crowding around it but instead of shouting at all of you and ordering all of you to step aside and let me see it, i keep my cool and observe quietly for i believe everyone has their rights and that would only make me look arrogant.

         whenever something like this happens, there would be a lot of fuss and noise. everyone would voice out something regardless of its relevance. and this process creates a lot of noise, sometimes too much for me to bear. i try the best that i can to filter all of them out and concentrate on my thoughts for i believe that has a higher priority given the circumstances of the situation at hand. at last, when i have finished thinking and sorting it out, i give my best shot at it. i propose my best educated thought about it. and then everybody would suddenly settle down and try to analyse the logic behind my thought. i would never know what they are thinking as i don't have psychic abilities. after some time, one of them will say something totally unrelated and opinion voicing will resume right after that. my opinion at this point does not matter anymore though i never know why is it so.

          often puzzled and bewildered, i take another step back to review my thoughts. i try to find any possible faults and errors in it and make constructive changes and edits where necessary. then, i give it another go. i convey my thoughts to everyone involved again and there would then be another moment of silence. then somehow, another opinion by someone else in the room would totally cover up mine. and once again my opinion didn't matter anymore. at this point, i would often give up for i don't see any point in it anymore. if you were put in my shoes and have a personality similar to me, i believe you would do the same too. so instead of trying another time, i would discreetly leave unnoticed. then after some time, some would notice my absence but soon after it would be forgotten.

          how could you expect one be not tired if one needs this to face this every single day? now most of you will have many criticisms on my situation above. many of you i believe would say that i do the same thing too sometimes. yes, i admit. sometimes i too is reckless and does not consider each and every point before speaking. but at least i listen and i listen the most before speaking. some of you would say that my current point of view on things is just plain arrogant as if only my opinion matters. well with all due respect, i do consider your opinion too. and most of the time, i agree with it even though i know that mine is indeed better than yours. you just don't know it. the former sentence might sound a little cocky but it is truth proven by aftermaths of accepting other people's opinion when i know that mine is better. some would say that i am selfish for not contributing anything and being quiet all the time. let me ask you something: what good will it do if the things that i so call 'contribute' does not lead to anything productive? what good will it do if i am merely jokingly repeating your opinion or putting your opinion in another way? wouldn't it be more productive for all if i were to shut the fuck up and think of something that will work instead? how about me calling you arrogant instead for not even considering my opinion?

          some of the above might not be true. all of the above are only my best guess at the real situation and it has definitely influenced me somehow. if being introvert and quiet is not enough, now i'm even quieter and more pessimistic and before. yeah, all of you should be rejoicing. don't give a fuck. don't even give a damn. i would never obstruct your flow of words anymore. you know what? its not even worth it. it's better to keep my opinion with me. who needs to share with you? i'll just satisfy myself by thinking it out quietly and sit back and see how much can you figure out, what did you do and what i didn't do. nobody has to know.

         ok, i admit, some of the above content are exaggerated. but nevertheless that doesn't make it any less true. above are what i really feel deep inside me. it really pulled me down and sometimes i feel like i don't have a purpose in life. what's the point if i face this shit everyday? thanks to this, i forgot how to enjoy life like how i used to. i forgot the feeling, the experience, and everything good that comes with it. in fact, i don't even know where this ill behaviour of mine came from. i never felt like this before. and one day, all of the sudden, a large amount of hatred and envy just built up inside me and exploded. and now seeing the consequences, i apologize for any harm or damage i have caused. i did not write this with the intent to hurt. i write the above as a release of confined thoughts. i should have controlled it at the first place. i'm sorry for my failure to do so. and with hope, i would really like to go back to the 'old' me. but i guess that is not possible as time only flows one way.

purpose

2009-12-02T18:14:00.000+08:00

          have you ever thought of the purpose of life? why are we here? for what purpose? the earth has been here for a long while now. 4.54 billion years to be exact. since then countless life forms have been appearing here. so that's it? we're just suppose to live life as it is? to what end is this to? will the earth ever die?

          yes i'm aware of where the mayan calendar stops, what the bible says and what did nostradamus predicted. i know what all of them said about 21/12/2012. and if that's not enough, the media starts to enhance their opinion with scientific stuff like tsunami and solar flares. let's put all of this aside ok? none of those have been proven right yet. solar flare has never cause the earth's poles to go in reverse. so far they have only caused auroras at the poles. and though life seems like an endless journey i believe that there are more people who'd like to continue it for whatever reason they may have rather than to end it in such a gruesome manner. as far as i'm concern, i do not want to believe that the end is nigh.

the end of the world is not the purpose of this discussion. the purpose of this discussion is to find purpose itself. now let me start with a question that i have in mind. don't you think that life is such an ambiguous journey? let's put a little thought into it. i have been living for 18 years closing to 19 years now. all my peers have been. there's no way to know what will happen 10 years after this. hell, we don't even know what will happen tomorrow or in the next hour let alone 10 years later. the only thing we can do to know is to wait for the particular time to come. we're never going to know what's gonna hit us. besides ambiguity, life is also very subjective. we have the ultimate freedom to make whatever choices we want. and whatever we choose to do will affect this long and seemingly endless journey. and the affects are also very adverse. worst case scenario, it may even abruptly end this seemingly endless journey.

          being on board this journey, many of us having a brain that is restless and full of potential, would like to find a purpose for this journey. and so far, after a long run of 4.54 billion years, the ultimate purpose of life is yet to be found. now you may say that your purpose in life is maybe to have a family or to be a millionaire or to be a famous person. yes, that is purpose but that is not the purpose that answers the question here. instead of asking what's your purpose in life? try asking and then answering the question why is it that you are born in this world? if you can.

          the great search of purpose in life is just like life itself. it is also very ambiguous and very subjective. we never know when will we get a final answer and we will never know if its the correct or wrong answer. some may pursue this search until the very end of his or her journey without finding the answer. some gave up on the search and continue living without putting much thought to it since it doesn't really affect the journey. some believe that the answer can be found religiously and put effort in getting closer to god. some of these people claimed that they found the answer but they never tell it out. some spill the beans but for some reasons, we, the public does not accept the purpose.

          as for me, i'd like to believe that there never really is an ultimate purpose to life. if there is, i'd say that either it must be a ridiculous one or it is nonsensical to me. what's wrong with life without this ultimate purpose to make it complete? we're all living, we're all healthy, the sun is still shining, the earth did not crack and the sky is still there. as far as i know, the end is not yet nigh.

          but some are still arguing it and has been very persistent about it. well if you want a purpose like that so badly, why not create one, it may not be authentic or even close to the real one but its better than nothing. maybe the purpose is indeed the purpose we have. maybe there are many acceptable answer to this question. maybe the purpose of life is to earn money. maybe the purpose of life is to be a better person. maybe the purpose of life is to save the earth from dying. though sometimes it does not really answer the question at hand, but that's the best answer we can come up with for now.

          so instead of looking at the big picture, let's look at the smaller portions of it since we can never really see the big one. instead of looking at the purpose of life, lets look at the purpose in our life. what makes us pursue our purpose in life? why do we come up with that purpose? why not other purpose? what makes this purpose so special?

          if you ask me, i'd say that the main influential reason to this is the attention. well yeah, there's self satisfaction too but its always the attention that rules over it. whatever we do on this earth, most of the time, the purpose is too attract the attention of others. celebrities are perfect examples here. why do they act, sing, dance, release albums and perform live for? to attract attention. why do you want to be successful? so that people knows who you are. why do you want to be famous? to get the attention of the public. sure, there's self satisfaction too in everything you do, but most of the time, the attention is more sought after one.

           why am i writing this blog? to get people to read it. why did i do so many covers for? to get people to see it. why did i create facebook, friendster, youtube, hotmail, gmail accounts for? so that i have a sense of belonging among my friends. that's it. maybe the purpose of life is to simply belong and to satisfy ourselves while we're at it. now how's that for a purpose?

love

2009-12-01T18:21:00.000+08:00

          if there's one thing that every single carbon-based living thing on earth have in common, then it would be love. no matter who or what you are, regardless of the kind of love involved be it love for your family, love between husband and wife, love between friends etc. , love is in you. it's almost like you are born with this feeling of affection. and that is not a total surprise since birth is a result of the love of your parents. one never have to learn how to love, one just knows how. and it seems like everything is bounded by love. success, friendship, relationship, passion, interest, etc. , it all happens because of love. now some of you might get a little sensitive to how i write this discussion. you might say that you 'like' your friend and hence you are his or her friend but you don't 'love' your friend. the difference in context between the usage of the word 'like' and 'love'. but can you say that there is no 'love' at all between you and your friend? sure, you don't say "i love you" to every one of your friend and you certainly don't say the three magic words to your friends that share a gender with you if you're straight. but can you really say that there's no love in your friendship?

          ok, yes, you might find it a little uneasy using the word 'love' instead of 'like' to describe your frienship. you agree that there is a solid line between liking something and loving something. you agree that liking and loving are on different levels where loving is a higher level of liking. but i have a different opinion here. in my opinion, i would think of the word 'like' as conditional while the word 'love' as unconditional. if i 'like' my friend, then my friendship with him or her would then be justified by factors like looks, monetary status, whether he or she is single or married, his importance, his advantages, all these things will come to mind before i decide to whether or not i would 'like' to be friends with him or her. if i say that i 'love' my friend, i would then be putting aside all other factors and accept him or her as my friend. of course, you don't go around saying "i love you" to each and every one of your friend as that would be wrong because the 'love' will then be of different context but certainly, i would say "i'd 'love' to accept you as my friend" instead of "i'd 'like' to accept you as my friend"

          now there are many kinds of affection or a sensual strong feeling that falls into the category of 'love'. there's loving your family, loving your children, loving your friend, loving a special someone, loving your job, loving your studies, loving your teacher, etc. etc. the word love can be used in so many different ways to imply different levels of affection. and the best part is, when you love someone or something enough, there's no need for a reason to love anymore. love is acceptance despite knowing. it defies nature and that's why its magical!

          and if we were to choose which kind of love is the most magical of all, many would agree, including me, that loving a special someone is the best and most magical feeling of all. its not to say that it is this kind of love one can receive or give the most. you cannot quantify love using this method. you cannot say that you will never love your job as much as you love the special someone. no, i definitely do not agree with that as i believe that with enough faith, trust, effort and heart, you can indeed feel as much love for your job as you love the special someone. however, loving a special someone somehow always manage to stand out among all the other love. this indirectly make it the accepted definition of love. and this definition is further perpetuated by the media and us, human. even the dictionary defines love as a sexual and passionate affection towards someone. you can't say that this definition is wrong but it is rather incomplete as there is certainly more to love than that.

          being the most special and magical of all the other love, love shown towards a special someone is also very complex and hard to build. it takes a lot of trust, faith, heart, and essentially love to have two person which started out as strangers to each other to come together. this may be the very reason why its so special and the most sought after.

          but this special love comes with a very heavy price. in cases when this love is lost, it causes great pain to the heart, sometimes great enough to shatter it into pieces, and also instill fear at the same time and he or she may never learn to love another special someone again. some say that love is like a deadly poison. it takes a lot of love from both parties to drink the poison together. nevertheless, many people still drink the poison as this love is so appealing and inviting to people.

          one thing about this great poison is that instead of causing death, it causes despair and sadness. and there really is no cure for it. the only remedy to reduce this undesired effect is time. but even the never stopping time will still leave a big ugly scar behind after healing the deep wound in the heart and often it takes a great length of time to recover. some took years. others, like me, are still in the recovery process. we never know when we will be truly free from it. only time, will tell.

feelings and emotions

2009-11-30T17:17:00.000+08:00

emotions. we all have them. no matter how much u deny it, no matter how much you hate to admit it, but as a human being and like any other animals on earth, we have emotions. no matter how cruel or cold-blooded, you still have a heart that beats while you're still alive and there are feelings which at the very least will affect your actions and decisions.

most of us have a rather imbalance mixture of emotions. one of the many emotions usually makes up the majority and dominates the presence of any other emotions at one particular time. most of us can't feel sad and happy at the same time. yes, you may not accept this statement and argue that there are situations where that is possible. for example, you might say that you feel both happy and sad at the same time when you have all the time you want to be by yourself to enjoy yourself. you feel happy because you can have all the fun to yourself and sad at the same time because you have no one to share it with. but those two feelings are mutually exclusive and usually it occurs one after another and not at the same time. you may feel happy at first and sad later on. and if this is the case, probably the sad feeling is the more dominating one since it has a tendency to last longer than happiness.

if i were to interpret my own feelings, i would say that most of the time, the five feelings that i usually have are sadness, happiness, loneliness, frustration, anger and envy. and if were to analyse my own feelings, then by ranking determined by the number of times i have these feelings, i would say that most of the time, i feel lonely, sadness will be far second, frustration and envy will share one third place and anger is probably the least that i have.

most of the time, loneliness is due to the lack of sharing with other people. taking common interest into consideration, i probably have the least among my friends. i take interest in the politics going on in the country, go crazy over mark knopfler, david gilmour and eric clapton's amazing guitar solos, listen to the beatles, bee gees, scorpions, pink floyd, dire straits, eric clapton, phil collins and many more old school bands and artists, and have many ambitious dreams of making scientific discoveries and achievements. possibly, none of these are able to interest my friends to a significant extent. most of these can only be shared with my father who have the largest similarity in interest with me, who rarely have time to spend with my family due to his busy schedule.

sadness often results from the loneliness i feel. sometimes, i blame myself a little too much for being the odd one out and despair is almost always the usual outcome of it. sadness is also a rather hideous feeling in me. for some unknown reasons, it is never easy for me to express sadness. it is there but often covered by other feelings that i have. it takes a lot of energy to frown all day and not showing any sign of gaiety.

then there's frustration and envy. the two feelings that often compliment each other in me. frustration often comes from failure of being equivalent to other people. frustration is very evident when it comes to academics. i'm never the brightest kid in class, well except for primary school but that's a different story. and the failure of being competitive enough with others usually leads to frustration. envy is also a feeling that shows itself when academics is the subject at hand. similar to sadness, envy is also a hideous feeling, though not as hideous as sadness is. most of the time, i'm envious of the determination, hard work and effort that other people is able to put in for the sake of their studies. i always feel that my effort is never enough and is much less compared to them.

and last but not least, there's anger. in almost any situation faced in life, anger is never a dominant feeling. even if there is, it is often overcome by other feelings. and most of the time, i'm of myself more than any other people. rarely do i point my finger at others and put the blame on them for i believe that the blame is always more on myself than other people. anger is also one feeling that is too expensive to show. the number of friends that i have makes it unaffordable for anger to be in control. as a result i seldom shout and scold other people. anger never do me any good and i can possibly make do without it.

talk

2009-11-29T17:38:00.000+08:00

     yes, talking. the art of communicating to other individuals by means of words uttered by the mouth. a small little special gift from god, considering that god really does exist by opposing the teachings of atheism around the world.

     a very large population of human being around the world take profound interest in this art. nine out of ten people can and will speak while the odd one out may not be able to do so. but nevertheless, the odd one out is still very wanting to talk and share his or her feelings.

     there are also people who condemn this art. common reasons that lead to this include shyness or rather a fear of being humiliated by the public, lost of interest to speak due to the ignorance of other parties, and grudges held by one against another which resulted from a slight disagreement in point of view perhaps.

     then there are those who have special reasons of not practicing this art. one of the reasons is religious. some take the vow of silence to enhance their religious believes. some take it as an act of self discipline while others regard it as a level of achievement.

     personally, i believe that people who are able to take the vow of silence or the vow of conditional silence have very high level of determination, patience and persistence. i truly cannot imagine living my life and not even uttering a single word. unless the silence is broken, one have completely loss a crucial mean of communication and one has to part with it forever. it is indeed a remarkable achievement in one's life.

     this draws my curiosity to the nature of this peculiar behaviour. aside from religious and personal reasons, what made them do it? why?

     though the art of talking is a simple one and requires little skill to master it, but there are some who despise it. there are so many variations in this art and i find some of them highly annoying and irritating to me.

     i strongly agree with the saying 'silence is golden'. i find it very true to my personality and thoughts and it is applicable in many things that happen in my life. agreeing whole heartedly to this saying i believe had made me more sensitive to 'noise'.

     there are many who are simply obsessed with this art. they talk too much regardless of the speech's importance. yes. girls and children are the two major category which i consider noisy. whatever reasons they may have, there is such thing as talking too much and to me, talking too much is never a good thing.

     worse, there are some who talk too soon and too much. their subconscious mind is much quicker than their right mind and often the speech made is wrong or irrelevant. these people just have a tendency to comment and say something about everything beforehand and failure to do so is regarded as shameful.

     some misuse this art to feed their own pride and arrogance. usually, they carefully observe and analyse every single negative perspective of others and criticize them. i regard these individuals as talentless in this art of talking. often, they talk without first looking at the mirror and this, to me, is most annoying. sometimes when i'm not in a very good mood, i have the potential to shout "stfu you motherfucker!!! when was the last time you looked in the fucking mirror?!!" at them. though being a quiet person, this violent thought is often buried in my heart and never let loose.

     but this is just my mere opinion on this art. an art is an art and an art is always subjective to the people who practise it. these are just thoughts which to some people are rather immature and naive. but that, too is just their thoughts and the nature of the world. besides the saying 'silence is golden' i also believe that there are no rights or wrongs in this world. there's only an imaginary line is which is really not there at all drawn by us human being. rights and wrongs are only sensitive to directions. its just like two people facing each other. one person's right hand faces another person's left hand and vice versa. the same thing applies to rights and wrongs. things that i believe is right may be wrong to you and things that i find it wrong may sounds right to you. it is just a matter of opinion.

one

2009-11-29T02:24:00.000+08:00

they say there's always a first for everything.
so i thought "well, so here i am typing down the first post in this blog"

         this is the third blog i created in my life. the first one was lost due to my forgetfulness. i have no clue of its name and i can't seem to remember the password to it. the second one suffers the same fate. back in those days i have little interest in social applications let alone blogging. i never was the guy who gets the cute girl living next door or the hottest chick around the block. i never was the guy who gets to choose who to go to prom night with. no. i was not the guy who stands out the most. i was a social outcast.

       yes, a social outcast. or at least i think that i am. since when i was small, i was quiet. my thoughts are always with me. some of them are often gentle and contented while others scream for their release to the world. because of this, i wasn't the guy who gets to call the shots. and often i never get what i really wanted.

      this also contributes to the small number of friends that i have. peers and acquaintance are never abundant in my life for i believe that i have the least number of contacts on msn and the least friends on both friendster and facebook.

        though all i've said about me sounds really sad, i survived through it. in fact, i believe that in one way or another, they also brought a few good things with them. well they used to say that there's always a silver lining in every cloud.

       because of all this, i've grown to be a humble and kind person. deep down inside, i am always forgiving and never had the heart to slander other people. for i have so little friends, making enemies will not do me any good. yes, i admit sometimes i can be mean with my words, but that seldom happens and it only started to happen more frequently recently.

       i am also one that treasures every single one of my friends dearly. ok, fine. i suck at remembering people's birthdays and i never remember them with only a few being in exception. but i remember every single individual that i know of in school from primary school to my present college. yes, every single student, teacher and staff. i even know my primary's school janitor and gardener's name.

        in short, i'm always the person who you never have to worry or rather care much about. i'm like the flat character in life and never seems to really disappear from it. which is why most people never notice much about me. people never really know what i'm up to and there are a lot of secrets i keep in my closet, waiting for the one day to be free of the dark void that contains them. people never really bother to know more about me because on the surface there's nothing to know about me. i, too partially agrees to this but this is me.